I know I promised to write on Monday about my project defense. I haven't because it was really quite traumatic. I passed; so I have had trouble understanding why I am so upset. And I am upset. My committee had been given the DVD of my documentary to watch on their own. That may have been a mistake, I wish that I could have been there to translate... My chair LOVED the documentary and told me to leave it the way it was after the first draft, so I did. One committee member also loved it so much that she shared it with her family. The other two, not so much. The one said she loved the documentary but, as I processed it, it was not scholarly or not scholarly enough. The final committee member simply did not understand a) why the documentary was just a succession of pictures one after the other; and b) why I hadn't used more of myself in the documentary.
Fortunately my chair had suggested I present for 10-15 minutes before our discussion and their ultimate decision. It was natural for me to write what I was presenting and the words flowed easily. In that presentation I expressed my wish for my committee to have the black/white mixed race conversation which includes allegations that the mixed race identity was only fabricated to allow mixed race people to deny or avoid their blackness. I expressed a need to have that conversation one last time and then, together with my committee, we would move forward to the conversation I was most intersted in having in the remainder of my dissertation. Some things just cannot be wished for or led.
Our conversation beyond the niceities ended up devolving into a conversation that went something like: we think you should find another way to speak about mixed race that does not invoke identity. Then they used my own documentary against me suggesting that my collaborators were proving that there was not a mixed race identity because many of them talked about identifying as monoracial or passing back and forth between identifying as black and white based on the context of the space they were negotiating. These statements were made despite the fact that my colloborators qualified their statements by saying that they are forced to negotiate their identities in this way because their mixed race identity was rejected or denied.
For the remainder of my two hour defense I listened to my committee reject and deny mixed race identity and in the end they suggested that I read more black scholarship, although I had read this body of literature for my masters exam, and focus my mixed race conversation on or around blackness.
So again, I had to defend myself and my schlorship as not being anti-blackness or a rejection of blackness. One committee member suggested that I only focus on black/white mixed race as she knows of other mixed race students who are Japanese and Swedish (and the other I cannot remember) who were affluent and amazingly gorgeous (because biracial people are soooo damn good looking don't you know) that she was certain had COMPLETELY different experiences from the black/white biracial person. What DOES that mean? That we black/white mixed race people are poor and just not that good looking? I was so frustrated and angry. I felt like everything I had worked on for the last year had been dismissed and I was being reset in such a way that guaranteed my arriving at this very same moment again in a year.
I know my committee really cares about me and really wants to see me succeed. They are not shy about telling me how bright and capable they think I am. So this is not a blamefilled rant, rather a frustrated exploration of a moment that keeps reproducing itself. When and how will I ever get to move into the contemporary conversation about mixed race identity that I want to have. I don't think I even understand the barriers or the processing that produces this moment. One committee member suggested that I try writing with mixed race women all over the world which would "pull me out of" of my own situation. I processed her comment as an assumption that I feel the way I feel but other mixed race women don't and I needed to expose myself to other more balanced and sensible mentalities. Well... I have. For me this suggestion dismissed the collaborators in the documentary as they were not scholars or academics so their expereinces didn't matter. Also, my committee seemed to dismiss the body of literature by and about mixed race experiences and identity formations. Ultimately, they seemed to be dismissing me, my mixed raceness, and my scholarship because of my location as a mixed race person.
I am attempting to reconcile the entire experience by working through my prospectus. I have outlined my thinking by suggesting that the mixed race conversation has and does occupy two different histories or as I am calling them right now...Phases. I am trying desperately to frame two different periods that are loosely related generationally while keeping those two periods from undermining each other. More soon...
Newly Minted
Right after I was hooded
Friday, April 24, 2009
Monday, April 20, 2009
A Big Day
Today is a big day. I am defending the first draft of my documentary as my area project. The documentary is called "Intimate Realities: Mixed Race Identities". I have had a few bumps with my committee; scheduling and what not. They really are the best though, so I am excited to see what they have to say, kind of. I showed the documentary to my class on Thursday, they seemed to enjoy it. I didn't really get feedback because we went overtime for class. The big problem is that I don't know what to ask, so I have no clue what is going to be asked of me today. I have one committee member who doesn't really believe in mixed race as an independent identity. In her experience, mixed race is about passing, privilege, and a denial of blackness. It is her comments I am most concerned about. My chair has already let me know she thinks the work is fine. I will update later today and let you know how it went. Think of me between 12-2. More soon...
Monday, April 13, 2009
The Newest Member of the Mixed Race Community
First, and most important, Happy Birthday Bitty Boop!!! My baby turned 8 today!!!!!
Today I am counting my blessings. One of the things that has been said to me, all too often by those who oppose mixed race as an identity, is that there is no community. I am here to testify to the fact that this is a complete untruth. My blog is not a month old and I have already connected with a "community" of mixed race thinkers. I will be attempting to add links to their blogs after I post this. I feel blessed to have something that looks like proof now. WE are a community, we have common experiences, and we recognize each other immediately as mixed race people. Being able to talk to other people about my socio-racial identity without fear of judgment; or without tailoring what I am saying in order to be accepted, is a gift.
These denouncements of mixed race identity come often in academia and frequently in everyday life. One such experience occurred after a department meeting at the college I am teaching at. One of my new "colleagues" cornered me and questioned me on my choice to study mixed race. "There is no community or culture" he informed me. I strongly disagree. My experience has been that there is a community, but like many marginalized communities, it is one that has not been allowed a physical space to call home. For me, mixed race is a kind of diasporic identity. This diaspora is uniquely positioned inside the community or communities that are responsible for the generation of a diasporic experience for those who claim a mixed race identity. For example, being a mixed race person living in a monoracially black or white community.
The narratives that my collaborators have been sharing with me suggest that they feel disconnected, not only from the majority race they belong to but from the minority race as well. That is to say someone who is black/white or asian/white might relate experiencing rejection not just from the white community that one parent came from but from the minority community that the other parent came from as well. For me, the majority of the rejection I have experienced, at least overtly, has been from the black community (and black scholars like the colleague in my story above). The accusations leveled at me have been of race trading and of denying my blackness. No one ever accuses the mixed race individual of denying her whiteness even when one or both parents are or appear to be white.
This colleague of mine, after literally backing me into a corner of the conference room and holding me hostage for about 20 minutes, then informed me that he had married a white woman (he is black) and that his child is a product of that union. So here is a man, allegedly an academic, who has made the intimate choice to marry a white woman and have a mixed race child, denouncing mixed race studies and identities. If his black community, black identity and monoracial identity as black is so important to him, why did he make this choice? I rationalize this and other attacks as best I can, there is something about me that suggests that I have an easier time embracing my mixed raceness than others might have (by the way, this is not true - I am making a political choice that reflects my intimate relationships). It may appear that I somehow have "special" permission or epistemological privilege that allow me to reach across monoracial borders and claim both blackness and whiteness (again, not true - however I will say that I experience a third set of borders that keeps me from claiming either full blackness or whiteness). I don't think that I am doing any of these treacherous things. I am not passing. I have no desire or ability to divorce myself from my blackness. I still experience my life as a person of color. I am not trying to claim duality. Instead, I am trying to claim wholeness. I was raised differently than a person with two black parents, or even a person with one black and one white parent. My intimate relationships were and are with the white parents, siblings, spouse, children and extended family that have raised and sustained me. I know I do not experience the world the same as every other black, white, latino, asian, native american, boy and/or girl. I am necessarily something different. When I am looking for other people who are like me, I find that similarity in my mixed race children not my monoracial mother or spouse. The conversations I have had this week have shown me that this is not a delusional observation but a lived experience that I do share with other people. I share these lived experiences with other people who identify as mixed race.
I have been looking for this community and culture my whole life. I have known for a very long time that such a thing exists; I didn't know where to find it. This week, it found me. Thank god for the internet. I have found several new sisters and brothers because of this blog and through my research. Each time I hear someone's story for the first time, I sigh, I think this IS the culture and community that people keep telling me doesn't exist. How can so many different people from so many different racial backgrounds and from so many different geographical locations have the SAME STORY? Clearly, life happens in a particular ways for particular groups of people Overall we recognize those experiences as ethnicities, races, creeds, class groups, and genders. Why then do we disallow the possibility of a mixed race experience as being different than monoracial experiences. To me it is as plain as the nose on our faces - all different noses - all different colors, etc. If we look different than our monoracial counterparts (since this seems to be the primary practice of recognizing difference) then why is it such a stretch to imagine that we ARE different.
This space for mixed race identity, culture or community is not by any means a call to close ranks and deny our relationships with other races, cultures and communities. But I do think that in the search for solidarity, one might consider the mixed race identity as different and therefore important enough not to be dismissed in the corner of a conference room.
More soon...
Today I am counting my blessings. One of the things that has been said to me, all too often by those who oppose mixed race as an identity, is that there is no community. I am here to testify to the fact that this is a complete untruth. My blog is not a month old and I have already connected with a "community" of mixed race thinkers. I will be attempting to add links to their blogs after I post this. I feel blessed to have something that looks like proof now. WE are a community, we have common experiences, and we recognize each other immediately as mixed race people. Being able to talk to other people about my socio-racial identity without fear of judgment; or without tailoring what I am saying in order to be accepted, is a gift.
These denouncements of mixed race identity come often in academia and frequently in everyday life. One such experience occurred after a department meeting at the college I am teaching at. One of my new "colleagues" cornered me and questioned me on my choice to study mixed race. "There is no community or culture" he informed me. I strongly disagree. My experience has been that there is a community, but like many marginalized communities, it is one that has not been allowed a physical space to call home. For me, mixed race is a kind of diasporic identity. This diaspora is uniquely positioned inside the community or communities that are responsible for the generation of a diasporic experience for those who claim a mixed race identity. For example, being a mixed race person living in a monoracially black or white community.
The narratives that my collaborators have been sharing with me suggest that they feel disconnected, not only from the majority race they belong to but from the minority race as well. That is to say someone who is black/white or asian/white might relate experiencing rejection not just from the white community that one parent came from but from the minority community that the other parent came from as well. For me, the majority of the rejection I have experienced, at least overtly, has been from the black community (and black scholars like the colleague in my story above). The accusations leveled at me have been of race trading and of denying my blackness. No one ever accuses the mixed race individual of denying her whiteness even when one or both parents are or appear to be white.
This colleague of mine, after literally backing me into a corner of the conference room and holding me hostage for about 20 minutes, then informed me that he had married a white woman (he is black) and that his child is a product of that union. So here is a man, allegedly an academic, who has made the intimate choice to marry a white woman and have a mixed race child, denouncing mixed race studies and identities. If his black community, black identity and monoracial identity as black is so important to him, why did he make this choice? I rationalize this and other attacks as best I can, there is something about me that suggests that I have an easier time embracing my mixed raceness than others might have (by the way, this is not true - I am making a political choice that reflects my intimate relationships). It may appear that I somehow have "special" permission or epistemological privilege that allow me to reach across monoracial borders and claim both blackness and whiteness (again, not true - however I will say that I experience a third set of borders that keeps me from claiming either full blackness or whiteness). I don't think that I am doing any of these treacherous things. I am not passing. I have no desire or ability to divorce myself from my blackness. I still experience my life as a person of color. I am not trying to claim duality. Instead, I am trying to claim wholeness. I was raised differently than a person with two black parents, or even a person with one black and one white parent. My intimate relationships were and are with the white parents, siblings, spouse, children and extended family that have raised and sustained me. I know I do not experience the world the same as every other black, white, latino, asian, native american, boy and/or girl. I am necessarily something different. When I am looking for other people who are like me, I find that similarity in my mixed race children not my monoracial mother or spouse. The conversations I have had this week have shown me that this is not a delusional observation but a lived experience that I do share with other people. I share these lived experiences with other people who identify as mixed race.
I have been looking for this community and culture my whole life. I have known for a very long time that such a thing exists; I didn't know where to find it. This week, it found me. Thank god for the internet. I have found several new sisters and brothers because of this blog and through my research. Each time I hear someone's story for the first time, I sigh, I think this IS the culture and community that people keep telling me doesn't exist. How can so many different people from so many different racial backgrounds and from so many different geographical locations have the SAME STORY? Clearly, life happens in a particular ways for particular groups of people Overall we recognize those experiences as ethnicities, races, creeds, class groups, and genders. Why then do we disallow the possibility of a mixed race experience as being different than monoracial experiences. To me it is as plain as the nose on our faces - all different noses - all different colors, etc. If we look different than our monoracial counterparts (since this seems to be the primary practice of recognizing difference) then why is it such a stretch to imagine that we ARE different.
This space for mixed race identity, culture or community is not by any means a call to close ranks and deny our relationships with other races, cultures and communities. But I do think that in the search for solidarity, one might consider the mixed race identity as different and therefore important enough not to be dismissed in the corner of a conference room.
More soon...
Sunday, April 12, 2009
Light-skinned Relativity
I am sure this will sound very strange. The other day I was at a dinner celebrating the 52nd anniversary of Ghana's Independence. Rarely am I in a room where the attendees are predominately dark skinned. My life experience has been that I am the only black person in the room most of the time. I was really enjoying the moment, the music, the colors, and the food. All of a sudden a wave of panic overtook me. I grabbed my husband's arm (the Irish guy) and pulled him close to whisper in his ear. "I am not as dark as I thought I was, look how yellow I am". Of course, my husband just laughed, because let's face it - what a weird ass comment. Still... I just couldn't get over how light my skin looked in that space. I have never thought of myself as light skinned, especially next to my family and my children. I have always thought of myself as dark skinned actually. Ever since that dinner, I am a little startled and totally obsessed with what I look like. I am desperately wondering what other people see. I have a student who describes everyone by a food related skin color. She has told me many times that I am caramel. You know what, I think I am! I don't know what to make of this realization. I don't think it is an "othering" experience - where I am simply realizing I don't fit in. I think it is a complete shift in how I imagine myself. I shared this story at Easter and my cousin who is a parole officer in Albany said: yeah, I would have always said you were medium to light skinned. It cracked me up! Why didn't anyone tell me. For me, light skinned is my blond haired blue eyed daughter, NOT ME!!! Anyway, this is not the best articulation of this experience, perhaps I can make more sense of it later. I just wanted to share...
More later...
More later...
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
More Things I should know about my children
My husband was reading the post entitled "Things I Should Know about my Children" and reminded me that our eldest son, Ben, had also been in a mixed race relationship. I apparently only observe OTHER people's lives. Ben also left his original highschool in the middle of his senior year because he could no longer take the racism in his school. He was dating a mixed race female and had a mixed race family, he was not only the target of racism, but just couldn't take that kind of thinking overall. Sorry Ben for forgetting you in my first post about my children. Love ya...
More soon...
More soon...
Celebrating 39 Years of Life
After a certain age (21), birthdays become occasions for self-reflection. I am conflicted as to what that reflection should be. I am thinking, as always, about the biological mother that gave me up 39 years ago today. I always wonder if she thinks about me today every year. I also always wonder what she looks like. In my mind, she might be the only person on the planet that actually looks like me. A picture is all I have ever wanted from her...
I am a total advocate for transracial adoption. I have spent a lot of time with transracial adoptees; collaborating on my work. I have found that being transracially adopted, as well as bi-culturally raised, can position the transracial adoptee more in the mixed race identity than our monoracially adopted counterparts. When I put my first call for participants out for my photo essay in 2006; the call simply asked for those who self-identified as mixed race. I was blown away by the collaborators that responded. I expected black/white, asian/white, black/asian, etc. I was unprepared for the number of transracially adopted families, with monoracial parents and children, who responded. For them, as I understand it, being a transracial family made them mixed race, bi-cultural people. Experiencing race through each other had significant impact on the identification of not only the child, which one might anticipate, but on the parents. I have not discussed this with my own family, but my sister has hinted at experiencing my "otherness" in school. Also, there have been moments of realization for my husband, experienced through our children.
This question came up at the speech I gave in February 2009 at SUNY Cortland "Examining Contemporary Mixed Race". A professor asked if I considered transracial adoptees "mixed race". First, I have to say that it is not my job to "identify" other people. I am only researching people who identify themselves as "mixed race" or who identify mixed race as part of their socio-racial identity. All I can say then is that I consider my transracial adoption a contributing part of my self-identification as mixed race. For me, mixed race allows me to claim all of my intimate relationships including the one with my white adoptive family. The bi-cultural reality of my adoption causes reactions in other people and those reactions locate me outside of monoracial categories. I had one gentleman proclaim "you was raised with white folks weren't you?" Yes. Yes I was.
As I head into my 40th year (damn I AM old), I will be finishing my degree through research and collaboration regarding mixed race identities. This work is experiential, self-reflective, observational, communal and theoretical. The neatest thing about critical race studies is that it stays new. The journey is only beginning...more soon...
I am a total advocate for transracial adoption. I have spent a lot of time with transracial adoptees; collaborating on my work. I have found that being transracially adopted, as well as bi-culturally raised, can position the transracial adoptee more in the mixed race identity than our monoracially adopted counterparts. When I put my first call for participants out for my photo essay in 2006; the call simply asked for those who self-identified as mixed race. I was blown away by the collaborators that responded. I expected black/white, asian/white, black/asian, etc. I was unprepared for the number of transracially adopted families, with monoracial parents and children, who responded. For them, as I understand it, being a transracial family made them mixed race, bi-cultural people. Experiencing race through each other had significant impact on the identification of not only the child, which one might anticipate, but on the parents. I have not discussed this with my own family, but my sister has hinted at experiencing my "otherness" in school. Also, there have been moments of realization for my husband, experienced through our children.
This question came up at the speech I gave in February 2009 at SUNY Cortland "Examining Contemporary Mixed Race". A professor asked if I considered transracial adoptees "mixed race". First, I have to say that it is not my job to "identify" other people. I am only researching people who identify themselves as "mixed race" or who identify mixed race as part of their socio-racial identity. All I can say then is that I consider my transracial adoption a contributing part of my self-identification as mixed race. For me, mixed race allows me to claim all of my intimate relationships including the one with my white adoptive family. The bi-cultural reality of my adoption causes reactions in other people and those reactions locate me outside of monoracial categories. I had one gentleman proclaim "you was raised with white folks weren't you?" Yes. Yes I was.
As I head into my 40th year (damn I AM old), I will be finishing my degree through research and collaboration regarding mixed race identities. This work is experiential, self-reflective, observational, communal and theoretical. The neatest thing about critical race studies is that it stays new. The journey is only beginning...more soon...
Friday, April 3, 2009
Binghamton Shooting 12-13 thought Dead
A prayer for those involved in and affected by the shooting in Binghamton, New York today. We hope that as many people as possible are untouched, at least physically, by today's events. I am thankful my family is safe, but my classmates' families might not be. I will never understand what makes people do this kind of thing. All we can do right now is hope, pray, and lend support. Yes, these things do happen in our neighborhoods too. We are ALL a community, we have all lost brother's and sister's today.
More soon...
More soon...
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